October 15, 2017
To the four babies I hold in my heart but never in my arms,
I never understood how miscarrying a baby one never met could turn one’s life upside down. I lived through four miscarriages and I still don’t quite understand. It’s a pain I cannot explain.
What I do understand is how much it bothers me that I will never know who you are. On some level, I did know your heart. I formed you in my womb. I formed your heart with my heart. Your heart took its first beat and last beat inside my body
As a mom, I will always feel it is my sole responsibility to keep you safe, healthy, growing and thriving. I could not do that for you. My head tells me there was nothing I could have done to save you. My mommy heart still has a hard time accepting it.
Having miscarriages after successful deliveries, I fully understand what I lost. Though, there are times I look in your brother and sisters’ faces and feel a twinge of pain knowing you would have been just as miraculous. Would you have had their chubby cheeks? Maybe you would have shared their adorable overbite. Would you have had Tucker’s passion for the outdoors? Would you have had Scarlett’s sparkling, magnetic personality? Would you have shared Fiona’s facial features that are spitting image of your father’s?
Your brother and sisters help ease the pain of your death. They are amazing children and I wish they knew you. I find comfort knowing someday you will meet.
You touched my heart and my life in a way I will never be able to put into words. It is an unspoken truth my heart only knows. Your loss is what gives me the insight, wisdom and strength to endure the stress, chaos and love that comes with having three children in three years.
Your father does not understand why I would ever want a fourth baby and risk another miscarriage. He does not understand raising four children is my way of bringing the four babies I lost to life. A way to keep you in my life.
Thank you for the gift you have given me. You taught me about the gift of life, my little angel. You had the least amount of time in my life, yet you are the greatest influence on my life. You taught me the true meaning of the words “cherish” and “love.” There is not a single day that goes by that I do not think of you. You are my heart and soul. You are my child.
I do not fear death because of you. When my heart takes its last beat, I will see your face. Immediately, I will know you are my child, because a mother always knows her child. I will finally be able to hold you in my arms. I will wonder who you are no more. In that moment, my broken heart will be together again.
I love you to the moon and back.